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Dear body confidence, please come back!

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There I stood, at the doctors office, wondering if my lunch was hanging on me like a bad smell and explaining that I’d been having reoccuring heart burn.

‘Well miss Carrack, the reason you’re having such symptoms at the tender age of 20 is because you’re a big fat, fatty, whale woman’

Okay he didn’t say the last bit, he said the more polite doctor word(if there is one, because I’m pretty sure it all counts as verbal abuse)the ‘o/w’ word. And there I was, all inch/pound/molecule of body confidence was a) stomped on and then b) thrown out the window.

I had to stop myself from bursting into tears, I was humiliated, I was surprised. I felt personally victimised for being short and thus having poor BMI. I was saying ‘but I do 10,000 steps a day and I work out…’ but all that doctor heard was ‘excuses, excuses, excuses’. At that moment I stopped caring about any other achievement like being able to speak another language or that I wad happy and loved, all that mattered was that number on the scale.

I didn’t want to write this post, to be honest I wanted to lock this memory in a zip-lock bag (don’t ask me why ) and toss it into the deep, dark depths of my mind where any dark drunken memories from my teenage years are kept. I told people about what happenef, they told me I was being ‘stupid’ and that I’m ‘fine’. I started staring at my stomach, legs and arms wondering if the quite healthy looking person in the mirror was actually in real life much different. I felt this distorted perception of myself, I just wished I could see how other people saw me (you know like Freaky Friday).

It ruined my mojo (?) For the whole festive period ), I felt every butter soaked calorie slop straight onto me. I went from denial ‘I’m fine, I’m fine’ to great pangs of sadness.

And when I think about why… that upsets me even more. We all have this contorted concept that beauty, success and power comes from being ‘slim’. For many of my teenage years, I was a lucky one that managed to avoid these feelings, even just before I went to the doctors I refused to give into the notion that thin=happy. Now I have well and truely caved, and it worries me. I’ve fallen off my pedastool of being content with my body just by somebody measuring my BMI.

So please if you see my body confidence, tell her I miss her very much.

Love Robyn

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P.s this is me being the ‘o/w’ word amd also being weird (not related…I dont think).

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16 thoughts on “Dear body confidence, please come back!”

  1. Aww… hang in there. When I was your age all 4’11” of me weighed 52 kilograms (116lbs), and was overweight according to my BMI. I don’t think the scale is that accurate.. so keep lovin’ yourself… you’re worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with the above comments. You are beautiful. And the BMI is not very accurate. But I’m guessing your confidence is on vacation somewhere with a lot of her sisters. I swear if we used the brainpower we waste worrying about our bodies for something useful we’d save the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. been there! I feel ya, I also suffer from the short syndrome so my BMI has to be really low for me to not be considered “o/w”. Don’t let your doc get ya down, I bet your body confidence misses you too. Reunite soon! 👍🏼

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  4. I think we have been so programed that skinny is all that matters that we forget to see who we really are. I call it self bullying…I abuse myself by expecting me to look thin, and criticizing myself when I’m not.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I totally agree with all the other comments here, you look beautiful as you are! BUT I’ve been in the same position as you, where a doctor diagnosed me as o/w and that I “really should lose some weight” just because my BMI was classed as in the o/w category bordering on obese. Personally I think BMI doesn’t stand for anything, but it’s still upsetting to hear it and I fully sympathise with how that must’ve made you feel, especially over the festive period! I hope you find your body confidence!
    Sarah @ hereyoume.wordpress.com

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  6. Hey Robyn, that post really touched me. I want to start a series on my blog about body confidence and you were pretty much the one that really got me started on actually believing in that idea. Do you mind if I link back to this post in my post?
    You are so beautiful in that picture and I think you´re beautiful inside and out ! XOXO

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  7. I don’t know, it’s a senseless thing to say because I would bet money on the idea that not every person who scores overweight according to his BMI thingy also has recurring heart burn. Do they? That would be weird… Did he actually say anything helpful? You look great, by the way and I hope your confidence has returned. Anyone tries that again perhaps ask them why after all that time in med school they’ve got nothing more useful to say than a glossy magazine article? You know, just to see the look on their face…

    Liked by 1 person

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