I’m writing this at the back end of a wine-fest…I mean birthday party, so if there are spelling errors today it’s because I’m drunk and you just have to be okay with it…
1: ‘THE EATER’
‘Do you guys have any food?! Like pizza…oh wait I will just smash these nachos into my face-hole that’s okay!’ There are pros and cons to this drunk person, the cons being that you will be hoovering up Doritos from your sofa for weeks but the pros are at some point they might order a pizza and you can have an old slice for breakfast and it might save your life…
2: The ‘IM THE FUCKING DJ’
If you want Taylor Swift mixed in with the The Cure mixed in with a little more Tay Tay SWift, you got it! They will get angry and aggressive if anybody tries to touch their ‘decks’ (Spotify) and they will think they are the best thing to happen to music since Fatboy Slim.
3: The ‘I FUCKING LOVE YOU’
As the title suggests they fucking love you (sorry dad for the swears) and they will tell you about it and also about that time in year 2 where you wee’d yourself but they love you so much they would never tell any- oh wait they might have just told the whole party… They cannot be trusted…
4: The ‘SNAPCHATTER’
All your drunken antics might be documented for at least 12 hours if you’re not careful, a camera in your face is not what you need when you’ve just tried to sit in a washing machine with a bottle of Pimms. Not only that, it will be pixelated and dark making you look like an extra from Shameless…
5: THE ‘TIDIER’
A party full of tidiers doesn’t necessarily make for the most fun but it will save you a lot of time and effort the next morning….sooooo
6: THE ‘IM GON’ BE SICK’
They GON be sick and somebody (you will clean THAT up), you’ll spend half the night nursing them back to health with bread and water until they eventually chunder that up…. And then you’ll wonder why you didn’t wear a sick proof party dress..
7: THE ‘TEXTER’
‘NO I promise I’m just gunna send him one little text….no nothing embarrassing, just that I love him and I think about him all the time and I want to have his babies….honestly’
8: THE ‘RED WINER’
I just hope you don’t have cream carpets or a white top on…red wine might give the illusion of ‘classy’ but don’t be fooled…Red wine is notoriously devilish! In that it makes you vom.
9: THE ‘I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TOMORROW’
You will ask them over and over again ‘and why did you book an apartment viewing the day after a wine bender?!’ And they will repeatedly say ‘I don’t know, I’m GON be fiiiiiine’ and then you’re gunna have to be a really
good bad friend and top up there drinks in secret all night.