Coachella has been and gone to signify the start of festival season, but here’s why it’s okay if you won’t be drinking warm wine out of a fruit shoot bottle and donning a flowery headband this summer…
- When you’re from England, you’re optimistic if your think August might be sunnier than rainy. When you’re at a festival you can hands down guarantee It will absolutely piss it down. And then be very very very muddy.
- Festival= beer. Muddy+ drunkness= falling.
- Sometimes you get separated from your friends and it’s like being in a human drunk version of Finding Nemo (still as sad).
- Paying £4 for a bottle of water…and not being able to bring your own in. WHAT KIND OF FRESH HELL IS THIS.
- Okay so your favourite band are playing at 9pm…you would think that means lazily lolling around having a cider till then. NO. It is every man for themselves and if you even hope of being able to see the forehead of the lead singer then you had better be there 12 hours earlier.
- Most likely you needed a wee half way through the day or other basic human bodily functions and lost your place. That means starting all over again.
- Standing still like normal people and not being pushed over.HA.nice try.
- It’s bad luck for short people, get used to being able to see the eagerly awaited headline artist: that tall guy in front of you’s back.
- Bottles of piss being lobbed at your head. Whhyyyyy.
- I think when I say the phrase: Festival toilets, even the most eager festival go-er will shudder and probably have a flashback.
- It cost sooooo much money…..nearly as much as a week abroad 😦 😦 😦
- Unless you have persuaded your dad weeks in advance into being your taxi, chances are getting there and back wil be an absolute nightmare (this is even worse on the way back when your smelly and tired and your bed seems so far away.)
- Wellies are not a shoe for standing, especially not for 3 days, but it’s okay after a while your feet just go numb (until you get home and have to put them in ice for 3 days).
- It looks nothing like it did on the Superdrug advert!
- And sleeping on the floor does not offer the lumbar support that you need after nearly 16 hours of standing.
- You can’t even leave a camping chair outside without it getting robbed!
- There’s absolutely no chance of a decent sandwich or food without it costing you an arm and a leg and your flowery headband.
Other chapters in this series called ‘why do I keep doing these things to myself?’ Will include ‘reasons why it’s okay to not go to magaluf’ and ‘shopping in primark on a saturday: only for the insane?!’. Haha just kidding but now that we have all admitted our hatred for festivals, let’s just all go back to what we do best, drinking cider in Wetherspoons.